The Struggle

Lately, it seems as if I have been fighting everything.

Sometimes it's a quiet quarrel within myself, doing everything I can do to not fall back into past behaviors just because they're comfortable. To not follow my knee-jerk coping mechanisms just because they've temporarily comforted me in the past. Because I know deep down that those go to habits are not helpful but harmful.

Other times it feels like I am kicking and screaming because I am hurt or appalled or just furious at a situation, circumstance, or a conversation (or lack of one). But I also know that this is no different than the combating above. Struggle is struggle.

So I'm learning to do things differently and it's really hard because it's doing the opposite of what I've trained myself to do. Instead of firing off, blowing off, or cutting off, I am taking the time to allow things to sit, to sink, to settle before making a decision, trying to fix it, or coming to terms with it. And it's brutal.

Why? Because this isn't my natural reaction so it takes so much brain power, effort, energy, forgiveness, and grace. It takes feeling those things for a longer period of time so that the initial emotion won't cloud the truth or the answer. It takes biting my tongue, resting for longer, and being extra gentle with myself. That's not very easy but it is and will continue to become easier and I understand that it will become my second nature.

So if you're like me and are feeling all the pressure, the angst, the anger, the Retrograde, the despair, the grief, I give you permission to give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to heal, to rest, to grow, to become and unbecome as many times as it takes.